I woke up this morning with a deep sense of regret. I visualised all I have done or achieved in all of my 15 years of adult hood and all I saw was a nightmare. A time line blemished with gnarly stubs of burnt trees, black thick smoke and years and years of grey. The starting dot was my birth, then at four years the sexual abuse then at six school started and I remained illiterate until eight A long line of nine years of cold shoulders, rejection,dismissal and painful shyness. At fourteen I lost my virginity and so continued my promiscuity until eighteen when my whorish ways landed me pregnant. Nineteen is punctuated with a thick black stake in the heart of my very being because at nineteen my baby was born dead. Blackness follows for so long I don't know as there are bodies obscuring the years, the line turns into a line of bodies. I see many bodies of me lying on the floor writhing in what looks at first to be sexual ecstasy but alas it's not, it's pain, horrible pain. There I am at the twenty year mark naked on all fours with just my bottom and vagina in view, I am faceless, being fucked by every man that comes my way, the men are wisps of smoke that disappear after orgasm but leave me still smelling of old ash. An odour that is embedded under my skin forever, wafting up into my nose always reminding me who I really am. At the thirty one year point I lay on my back lifeless, fucked to near death. I lie there until I am thirty three. At thirty three I am in bed frowning and visualising the timeline I have just described.

It is time for therapy and a time to heal-I hope. I have booked my appointment with a psychologist in a weeks time. I went to my doctor complaining of acute anxiety and hopelessness. She put me on lexapro, but after two weeks I stopped. I don't like being on drugs. I would rather talk about it.

I think I have borderline personality disorder. But we will see what the psych says. Everything I have read about it seems to be me!