This morning I lost it

Boobs if you are reading this I suggest that you stop! NOW before you get hurt!

This morning was horrible. Boobs came in to have a hug but I rejected him. I rejected him because last night he started questioning why the government won't help me. I have already told him it was because he makes too much money and we are living together in a defacto relationship. Justb an aside here- we have only been living together for 6 months and the governments view is that he is financially responsible for me even though I put in a medical certificate to say I wasn't mentally stable enough to work. It doesn't make sense because if I had filled out the form with a slight alteration I would have been paid but because I was honest enough to tell them the truth I get punished for it. N3ext time I apply they are going to get a big fat lie. No one wants to help someone who is ths mentally unstable, now there is financial pressure on Boobs and then puts me in a horrible situation thus making my condition worse with more anxiety and more feelings of worthlessness. The government don't know what the fuck they are doing. I hate them. I hate how all the people who got caught in the fires in Victoria get all the help they need from the govern,ment as well as every fucking one else raising squillions of dollars, but when it's someone like me who asks for a measley 200 a week I get knocked back because I am living with my boyfriend. Oh the poor people in the fires who KNEW that area is prone to fucking bushfires. It's not fucking fair! Not even 250 die by mother nature and everyone gets all teary and generous. I wish I had been in that fire at least I would have some sympathy and a new fucking house.

Boo fucking hoo I lost my cat and a few photos give me a million bucks thanks even though I knew all along I was living in bush fire prone areas and didn't build a bunker-boo fucking hoo-poor old me now where's that cash? And where's that Ricky Ponting chap, I want him to sign my shirt so that one day I can sell it for a million dollars and make money from my misery!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway I completely digressed but it makes me mad that the people that need it don't get it and theres a fucking bushfire(which is a completely natural happening) and thet fucking Rudd hugs people and pretends to cry but secretly praising the lord for giving him this fire because now he can look like the big fucking hero that he isn't and pledge all this insane amount of money that they don't need because the red cross are doing that aswell as every dumb-ass musician and actor and dumb fucking celebrity all over the world. It makes me sick that you have to wait in the emergency department for four hours in a hopital with doctors and nurses who have been working their but off on a double shift, police on 22 dollars an hour, paramedics getting assaulted and blood spat at them, but "Oh No! There's a bush fire and some people have been killed, people who STAYED BEHIND to protect their property!" a collective voice shouts " we must help because SOOOOOO many INNOCENT people died OH MY GOD!!!!!!"

This morning Boobs left early and I lost it. I smashed his bottle of balm, I ripped up a dress he bought my that I didn't like anyway which wqas going to be swapped for something else, and I stabbed my laptop over and over again leaving it totally unusable. I ranted and raved and swore I was going to leave and live in my car.

Boobs has now forgiven me and I am back here in the house. I feel horrible. I also deleted all the photos of me he had from his computer and camera.

I bet I get diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I will be shocked if I don't.

I am mentally unstable so I am going to leave my boyfriend of a year. he doesn't understand and he doesn't try either. And I am just poison for him anyway. So I will live in my car for the time being, get a job and then find a place to share with someone.

I am so alone, and always have been. I have been living with this unstable mind for most of my life, but at least I see the psychologist on wednesday. For the time being I will look for a job and a place to stay.

I woke up this morning with a deep sense of regret. I visualised all I have done or achieved in all of my 15 years of adult hood and all I saw was a nightmare. A time line blemished with gnarly stubs of burnt trees, black thick smoke and years and years of grey. The starting dot was my birth, then at four years the sexual abuse then at six school started and I remained illiterate until eight A long line of nine years of cold shoulders, rejection,dismissal and painful shyness. At fourteen I lost my virginity and so continued my promiscuity until eighteen when my whorish ways landed me pregnant. Nineteen is punctuated with a thick black stake in the heart of my very being because at nineteen my baby was born dead. Blackness follows for so long I don't know as there are bodies obscuring the years, the line turns into a line of bodies. I see many bodies of me lying on the floor writhing in what looks at first to be sexual ecstasy but alas it's not, it's pain, horrible pain. There I am at the twenty year mark naked on all fours with just my bottom and vagina in view, I am faceless, being fucked by every man that comes my way, the men are wisps of smoke that disappear after orgasm but leave me still smelling of old ash. An odour that is embedded under my skin forever, wafting up into my nose always reminding me who I really am. At the thirty one year point I lay on my back lifeless, fucked to near death. I lie there until I am thirty three. At thirty three I am in bed frowning and visualising the timeline I have just described.

It is time for therapy and a time to heal-I hope. I have booked my appointment with a psychologist in a weeks time. I went to my doctor complaining of acute anxiety and hopelessness. She put me on lexapro, but after two weeks I stopped. I don't like being on drugs. I would rather talk about it.

I think I have borderline personality disorder. But we will see what the psych says. Everything I have read about it seems to be me!